You’ve got to watch this hilarious video.  It is less than a minute and it will crack you up…

Bob Hope was a great comedian that was in his hay-day during my youth. I most remember him from his USO tours for the troops in Viet Nam (For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your parents).

This is a small tribute to a man who made a difference (And “thanks for the memories”).  Some of his comments on his life:

1) On turning 70 – ‘You still chase women, but only downhill’.
2) On turning 80 – ‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
3) On turning 90 – ‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
4) On turning 100 – ‘I don’t feel old. In fact. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’
5) On giving up his early career, boxing – ‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’
6) On never winning an Oscar – ‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.’
7) On golf – ‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’
8 ) On Presidents – ‘ I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only 6.’
9) On why he show show biz – ‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.’
10) On receiving the Congressional Medal – ‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’
11) On his family’s early poverty – ‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’
12) On his six brothers – ‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’
13) On his early failures – ‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’
14) On going to heaven – ‘I’ve done benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter …on a technicality..’

Hat tip to slickmeister

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.  She asks, “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: “No, I don’t think God would get mad. To whom do you want to give a Valentine?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks in shock.

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride… “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”

“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the motherf*#ker.”

Thanks to Joe K