Archive for the Category ◊ Humor ◊

Great Quotes About Beer
Sunday, March 19th, 2017 | Author:

Good humor courtesy of StrangeCosmos:

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny Youngman

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ~ Stephen Wright

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry

 

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
Great Quotes About “Fools”
Wednesday, March 15th, 2017 | Author:

1. A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. ~ Douglas Adams

2. You don’t have to fool all the people all of the time; you just have to fool enough to get elected. ~ Gerald Barzan

3. A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. ~ Nicholas Boileau

4. A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave. ~ William Drummond

 

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
Useful Expressions from the Southern States
Sunday, February 12th, 2017 | Author:

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

“This’ll jar your preserves.”

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
Participation Trophies
Sunday, February 05th, 2017 | Author:

Here you go…

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
Modern Driver’s Test
Monday, October 17th, 2016 | Author:

From StrangeCosmos

We’ve all seen it. People change when they get behind the wheel of a car. So now, to profile your personality, here is the special Driving Test…

1: Which part of your car wears out most often?
a: the wiper blades
b: the belts
c: the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for…
a: security
b: convenience
c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because…
a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b: I answered (a) to question #1
c: I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you.
a: I have never written in the dust on someone’s car
b: I have written “wash me” in the dust on someone’s car
c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone’s car

5: The “bright” setting on your headlights is for…
a: dark, poorly lit roads
b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c: revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to…
a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise
b: get it headbanging loud for my Metallica CD
c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year?
a: zero or one, because I’m generally a safe driver
b: two or three, because I’ve had some unlucky breaks
c: before or after they took my license away?

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving?
a: “go ahead”
b: “thank you”
c: “@#!*&%^!”

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should…
a: be aware of them
b: speed up and get past them
c: open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for…
a: watching for approaching cars
b: watching for approaching police cars
c: checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should…
a: pull off to the side of the road and rest
b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or Mountain Dew
c: drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to…
a: ensure the safety of all motorists
b: issue as many tickets as possible
c: keep donut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change…
a: 50 feet prior
b: 25 feet prior
c: right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I’d spend it on…
a: a minivan
b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler
c: bail

15: The best thing about a chauffeured limousine is…
a: I don’t have to drive
b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink
c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at and/or flashing people

How to score the quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points
You’re a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And since you drive so safely and so politely, you’ll live a long time.
Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you’re one of those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points
Hey! Joe Average! You’re a decent driver without being boring. You get where you’re going fast without too much danger. In fact, you’re the type of person we all like to ride with. Well, all of us except your mother, because “you’re going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you! You’re going to kill us all!”

36-45 Points
Remember in driver’s education class when they told us to drive defensively? You’re the reason.

Political Humor about the Clintons
Saturday, October 15th, 2016 | Author:

Some good ones from Joe K…

image

image

Category: Humor, Politics  | Leave a Comment
It’s Just a Clock
Tuesday, October 11th, 2016 | Author:

If you recall, there was a young Moslem lad that decided (along with his father) to modify a clock to make it look like a questionable apparatus:

image

Yep, according to Clock Boy’s father, Mohamed, that looks like a harmless clock…  In a shout out to our other Middle Eastern friends, we have another claim that “it’s a clock”:

image

Hat tip to my buddy, Joe K.

 

Category: Humor, Politics  | Leave a Comment
Leftist Principles
Monday, September 05th, 2016 | Author:

Principles? This expresses their lack of any logical outlook:

cartoon muslim misogyny is ok

Category: Humor, Politics  | Leave a Comment
A Simple IQ Test
Sunday, August 14th, 2016 | Author:

See how you do on these…

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. How many outs are there in an inning?

4. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?

5. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?

6. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?

7. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?

 

Here are the answers:

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
…Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
….One (1). You can only be born once.

3. How many outs are there in an inning?
… Six (6). Don’t forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.

4. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
…. Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

5. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
…..One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed.

6. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
…. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.

7. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?
….. None. I didn’t know that Moses had an ark.

Hat tip to StrangeCosmos

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
Differences Between Northern & Southern States
Wednesday, August 10th, 2016 | Author:

Some good humor from StrangeCosmos

  • The North has Bloomingdale’s; the South has Dollar General.
  • The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.
  • The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
  • The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
  • The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .
  • The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
  • The North has green salads; the South has collard greens.
  • The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish.
  • The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

And don’t forget, in the South ‘Y’all’ is singular, ‘All y’all’ is plural, and ‘All y’all’s’ is plural possessive

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment