Archive for the Category ◊ Humor ◊

The Glass is…
Friday, July 22nd, 2016 | Author:

I used to love the humor about the contents of a glass in the context of optimism, pessimism, and engineering.  The Optimist says glass is half full; The Pessimist says glass is half empty; The Engineer says someone made the darn glass too big…This is the perspective from the Physicist:

glass-all-full

 

The Science is Settled
Monday, July 18th, 2016 | Author:

First rule of science is don’t trust anyone that tells you “the Science is Settled”.  If Einstein were alive today, he would tell you that his Theory of Relatively is not completely settled.  Quantum physics with waves and particles is still wide open introducing new uncertainties.  There is still so much to learn…  Nevertheless, some humor about those crazy prognostications:

Climate-Change-Resized

 

Selective Immigration
Friday, July 15th, 2016 | Author:

Do you consider this rational thinking?  Is this a logical approach given what is known?

…since there is no way to check for Islamist links that an asylum seeker might have back in his home country, there are some good ideas that could be implemented here.  Non-Muslim refugees from places like Iraq and Syria should be given priority over Muslim refugees from these regions—this is for the simple probabilistic reason that a Muslim is more likely to pose a terrorist threat than a non-Muslim.  The probabilistic disparity is more pronounced if the Muslim comes from a highly radicalized area like Syria, Afghanistan, or Iraq, the three countries with most asylum seekers.  This is the politically incorrect truth.

Source: Counter Jihad

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Male Perspective On Marriage
Sunday, June 26th, 2016 | Author:

From StrangeCosmos, some good humor:

“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”

 

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Obama’s Accomplishments
Thursday, June 16th, 2016 | Author:

This sums it up rather nicely:

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Once Again, No More Bush or Clinton
Tuesday, June 14th, 2016 | Author:

I can’t say that I’m a real fan of Mr. Trump, but you’d have to admit that the fawning over Hillary is a little crazy… and the focus on Trump’s transgressions versus those of Mrs. Clinton is highly suspect. (Thanks, Joe K for the comics).

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Investment Advice
Tuesday, April 26th, 2016 | Author:

Here’s a good one from Joe K:

Just thought I’d pass along some advice that my financial advisor gave me today…

I called him this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as I feel interest rates are not going to be rising as they did during the late 70’s early 80’s. I told him I thought we ought to be looking to get out of bonds and finding a safe haven in which to invest. I asked him, “Should we move to precious metals, foreign currency, or what?”

He responded, “If Bernie or Hillary are elected, canned goods, liquor, and ammunition are probably your best bet.”

 

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Jury Duty Humor
Monday, March 14th, 2016 | Author:

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.”

“Oh?” the judge said.

“Yes!” the man replied. “I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for — a good judge of character.”

“But your honor!” the man protested. “How can you say that?!”

“Because,” the judge said, “that man is the defendant’s lawyer.”

Hat tip to Jumbo Joke

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The Deaf Italian Accountant
Monday, February 22nd, 2016 | Author:

The Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Hat tip to Joe K

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Realistic Job Descriptions
Friday, February 19th, 2016 | Author:

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Thanks to StrangeCosmos