This sums it up rather nicely…
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”
Hat Tip to Joe K.
“When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world’s composed of aluminum and vinyl.”
“Keep up with the Grabowskis . . . you’ll never make enough to keep up with the Jones.”
“Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.”
“When all else fails, why not read the instructions?”
“We should refrain from making very harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, no-good s.o.b.s.”
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together–It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her”.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
“Yes”, answered the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.
Thanks to Joe K.
The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students
10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have to read one more book and then I’ll start writing my thesis
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years.
Missy and I went with Marc and Lori last night to see Earth, Wind, & Fire at the Fraze Pavilion. Since it rained most of the day, we were concerned about the setting for an outdoor concert, but the clouds parted way and made for a very pleasant evening.
The band was excellent and they put on a great 1.5 hour show, playing all of their hits from the late 70’s and early 80’s.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. ” “Very good, Mary” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath… Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny. “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!” Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna’ buy a toothbrush?”
“I used the Obama approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx