Archive for ◊ February, 2012 ◊

Retired Life in Florida
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012 | Author:

A retired man and wife from Ohio went into a Florida town and visited a shop. When they came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
They went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”
The policeman ignored them and continued writing the ticket.
The man called the cop an asshole.
The cop glared at the man and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
The wife called the cop a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more they abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then, the bus arrived, and the man and woman got on the bus and went home.
They said they always look to have fun with cars that have “Obama 2012” stickers.

Hat tip to Joe K

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If Men Had Their Way
Tuesday, February 28th, 2012 | Author:
  1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
  2. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  3. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  4. “Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  5. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  6. Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
  7. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  8. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).
  9. There would be a device that automatically raised and lowered toilet seats.

Thanks to StrangeCosmos

 

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Who’s a Better Software Programmer?
Monday, February 27th, 2012 | Author:

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better software programmer.

“I am!” Jesus shouted.

“No, I am!” the devil countered.

“I am!” “I am!” “Me!” “No, me!”

“EEEEEEENOUGH!” God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness.

When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.

God said “Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins.”

Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed.

Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.

The devil looked at him in astonishment. “No way! How did you do that?!”

Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said “Everybody knows Jesus saves.”

Category: Engineering, Humor  | Tags:  | Leave a Comment
No Love for Romney
Saturday, February 25th, 2012 | Author:

I’m still not a Romney fan…  With his policies, a Romney win for President will put the Republicans into the wilderness for years to come….  perhaps the Repubs should just focus on taking control of Congress.

 

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Is Racism Just Human Nature?
Friday, February 24th, 2012 | Author:

This sums it up nicely…

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More on Thinking Stereotypically
Thursday, February 23rd, 2012 | Author:

This is an interesting video that highlights very nicely how people make judgments on the information available…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37X4WAmwiJQ#![/youtube]

 

Conservatives vs Liberals
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012 | Author:

A contrast in approaches…

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and Jesus silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

Hat tip to Mr. Bennett

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Obama Kicking the Can
Monday, February 20th, 2012 | Author:

Most everyone has the can-kicking figured out by now…  I just hope that we don’t end up like Greece.

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Children and Government Debt
Sunday, February 19th, 2012 | Author:

You can’t say I never told you…

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Do You Think English is Easy?
Saturday, February 18th, 2012 | Author:

If you think the English language is easy, take a look at the dual use of the words in these sentences…

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8.) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9.) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Hat tip to Joe

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