Archive for ◊ June, 2006 ◊

Shattered Confidence
Thursday, June 29th, 2006 | Author:

Surprise, surprise… the folks in Michigan are losing confidence in the US auto industry.  An article in the Detroit News cites Michigan residents blaming the United Auto Workers: “It’s because of the demands of the unions that our auto industry is where it’s at now,”  It’s interesting to note that we Americans are starting to realize that left wing organizations such as the auto unions rarely add value to our businesses and our economy.

During my working career, I’ve had numerous occasions to personally experience the inane logic of labor unions (United Steelworkers, United Auto Workers, etc.).  Whether it was “guaranteed” profit sharing (union workers wanted a bonus even if the company was losing money) or the expectation of making $60,000 per year for driving a forklift (yes, by working overtime), these people exemplified the notion of getting ahead by “gaming the system”.

Category: Business  | One Comment
Things Learned The Hard Way
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 | Author:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
The Differences Between Men and Women
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 | Author:

This is a little long to read, but it’s a great one from the Grouchy Old Cripple that illustrates the difference between the thought processes of men and women:

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

One evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Roger, do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward …I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was …let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means …lemme check the odometer …Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here…

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty I’ll give them a damn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their ….

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” asks Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have …Oh God, I feel so…..” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger, totally perplexed.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that …It’s that I …I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. Still hoping he’s on the right track he responds, “Yes.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” Elaine says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and ask: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
25 Things You Should Know by Age 40
Monday, June 26th, 2006 | Author:

Another cute one from Sam Greenwood…

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried.

Category: Humor  | One Comment
More on Republican Spending
Sunday, June 25th, 2006 | Author:

I’m not a big fan of Senator John McCain, however, he’s saying things that resonate with us fiscal conservatives… In prepared remarks Friday, McCain said, “Republicans intent on safeguarding power in Washington have drifted from the values of the Reagan presidency and ushered in an era of reckless spending and government growth that threatens to drive them from office”.  Indeed, President Bush has thrown money at everything… residents of New Orleans, medicines for everyone, troops in Iraq.  To me, it’s a simple problem of the US overextending ourselves.

Category: Politics  | Leave a Comment
GW Bush – The Big Government Spender
Saturday, June 24th, 2006 | Author:

For those of you that are fiscal conservatives, you’ll probably like the book: Impostor: How George W. Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy, by Bruce Bartlett. This book levies harsh criticism on Bush due to his big-government liberal spending. Bartlett understands the problem with Bush’s approach and has the guts to say something about it.

Category: Politics  | One Comment
Is Weather Reporting Based on Science?
Friday, June 23rd, 2006 | Author:

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I never thought I would live to see science so abused to support political ends…  In an AP article today, Al Gore and other “scientists” claim that the earth is the hottest it’s been in the last 2,000 years.  Furthermore, they claim that the greenhouse gases from all of us thankless American consumers is the cause of hurricanes [note: I’ve come to the conclusion that if you’re American and Jewish, you’re the blame for just about every problem in the world]. Bear in mind that these are some of the same folks who have computer models that can’t predict the temperature next week, but we’re supposed to believe their assertions about the weather over last 2,000 years… go figure.

10 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work
Thursday, June 22nd, 2006 | Author:

Today’s Featured Humor:

1. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at WalMart.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
Psychiatric Hotline Voice Mail
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006 | Author:

This is another great one from StrangeCosmos…the voicemail at the Psychiatric Hotline:

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Category: Humor  | Leave a Comment
Microsoft Flops
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006 | Author:

Everyone thinks of Microsoft as a company built on perfection… a recent article in ExtremeTech describes Microsoft’s Top 10 Flops:

1. Microsoft BOB: A product Microsoft released in 1995, was set to be the next-generation interface for Windows 3.1.  It sucked.

2. Windows ME: This version was released in 2000 and was seen by many as a buggy upgrade with next-to-no compelling features.

3. Tablet PC/Pen Computing/eBooks: The technology has been buggy and more expensive than expected.

4. SPOT watches: More than three years after the first Smart Personal Object Technology watch prototypes first hit the market, there still are no compelling apps.

5. Microsoft Money: Microsoft can’t compete with Intuit and its Quicken product.

6. MS-DOS: Released in 1988, MS-DOS 4.0 was very buggy and a huge nightmare.

7. Microsoft TV: Microsoft has taken several stabs at making a go of the digital TV space, to no avail.

8. MSNBC: Microsoft’s partnership with NBC was never a smooth one.

9. Live Meeting: Microsoft’s Web conferencing product, based on technology it bought from PlaceWare, has been a disaster.

10. No Open Source: Microsoft continues to spend lots of money, time and attention fighting open-source software on a whole host of fronts.