“What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?” –Marilyn Pittman
“When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?” –Robin Williams
“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.” –Christopher Case
“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” –Ellen DeGeneres
“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.’You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.'” –Jake Johansen
“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.” –Dick Cavett
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” –A. Whitney Brown