1. An acceptable excuse for tardiness would be, “Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night.”
2. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
3. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “You know how fast you were going?” You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.” Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
4. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
5. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
6. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.
7. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).
8. Women suffering from PMS would be required to wear a burka.