1. Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then poop on your car.

2. A penny saved is a government oversight.

3. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

4. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

5. He who hesitates is probably right.

6. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

8. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he ‘s really in trouble..

9. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The ‘ and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells ‘ THEIRS… ‘

10. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Thanks Slick

Who would have thought that the actor that plays “The Most Interesting Man in the World” on those Dos Equis beer commercials…  is a 72 year old Jewish conservative living in California?

If you’ve seen the commercial, you’ve heard the narrator exclaim: “He once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels. He lives vicariously through himself.”

Well, My buddy, Rudy Rudner, came back with a good one just for this occassion: “He once fathered 9 sons, just so he could have his own minyan.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

hat tip to Slick